You are free to believe, or dismiss, any of the following statements, but if you decide to continue at any point, please do so with an open mind and an open heart.

Neil!

My name is Neil, I also go by Nelson and I used to go by Darl, I am clinically mentally ill, I’m a cis male who joined Fedi some time ago because of my friends and because I am genuinely very interested in a network where the people have control and can create safe spaces for each other, I actually left my Instagram account for it!

I love to help, to make art for others, to give my trans friends a feeling of hope and some candy for their soul, because I believe they suffer a lot because of other cis people out there.

But one day, I decided to post about something that left me feeling a bit off. I was seeing a lot about “forcefem” stuff, and how much people would say stuff like “cis people suck”, and, of course! people just want to express their pain and it’s true that an awful lot of cis people are actually quite negative and destructive, but also I couldn’t shake this thought off my head that this was about me, and that I was somehow wrong for existing, so I did a post about it because I legitimately did not know of any other way to cope with it.

Yeah, the post was awful, looking back, I feel like I was just reflecting my insecurity of feeling “othered” on a platform that is mostly trans and queer people, I was feeling so “different” that I forgot what my function as an ally is, to actually be there and change this perception, to be a cis person that doesn’t suck, to educate other people and to help my trans friends in every way I could.

But… I also got subposted a lot, a lot of really triggering stuff that was clearly done with the intention of making me feel bad about myself, and about my identity, and claiming that the world would be better without people like me, and that just brought me down a lot, I actually attempted suicide because of how bad I was feeling about it.

I was feeling so lonely and othered, plus the fact that I had lost a very important friend of mine during that time, I just didn’t know how to cope with all of this, so I remained quiet until I could not hold it in any longer.

All I wanted was to be everyone’s friend in this case, it was all about that.

But that never truly stopped.

The subposts kept coming, the people kept doing these distinctions, I saw people who claimed they would dox me and forcefem me in my sleep, or drive me to suicide through bullying, and that my existence was a burden to everyone in here, and of course, i’m susceptible to that.

One day I got blocked because I said that I didn’t want to transition after they told me that I had “HRT incoming” as a response to me claiming I wanted to be a “good cis person.”

I feel like the way these people operate is that they act in silence, acting in horrible ways, then if I as a person tries to point them out, it’ll sound like straight out from a far-right, ben shapiro inspired fanfic.

Some other friends started talking about this, and how it hurted them, and the wording made it sound horrible, and then suddenly I was seeing everyone call this a “non-issue.”

How somehow not respecting my pronouns and gender is a “non-issue.”

One of the arguments I had against this was “Yes okay true but your pain is nothing compared to the pain of trans people, you are privileged.” and yes I completely agree, trans people go through some horrid shit every day just for existing, but I did not ask to be treated like this, and I feel like respecting someone’s boundaries and triggers is just basic civilized behaviour.

Some people would legitimately go like “misandry doesn’t exist” and “the only good thing cis men can do is kill themselves” and honestly I just can’t stop thinking about it, I just can’t stop but to contemplate, to fear.

I’ve seen this coming from entire instances before, instances that are seemingly moderated by people who believe I should not exist.

I am sorry for all my trans friends who I’ve let down, and I truly truly wish that we can be friends, and that I can be a better ally.

If you disagree with me in any way, shape, or form, please reply to this message and let me know.

If you agree, please boost.

Thanks for everyone reading, have a nice time.

💨🐉 🏳️‍⚧️ Jade the Terrible 🇵🇸

@goat @nate I’m not going to debate what happened, or say you haven’t been mistreated. Ableism is a serious issue, and if you are being driven to suicide by harassment that is not okay. Thats not considerate of your situation or needs as an individual.

Your story gives me a certain amount of fear for my own wellbeing, not because I’m saying these things didn’t happen to you, that they were okay, or that you don’t have problems worth accommodating, but because right now is a very scary time to be trans.

Which is to say, I would expect a lot of other trans folks to respond to this really poorly right now and for none of us to spend the time or energy trying to fix this particular issue because we’re busy fighting other fires.

Please put the oxygen mask on yourself first. We are all really fucked up right now. My whole community is being traumatized. I cannot guarantee your safety in our spaces until the trans genocide stops.

💨🐉 🏳️‍⚧️ Jade the Terrible 🇵🇸

@goat @nate I can’t even guarantee my own safety in trans spaces right now, frankly