@purple I don't follow the logic, but I like where your head is at

My one regret is posting a picture of Bill Maher

@breakfastgolem "Many a man has tried to tame weather. And yet, we remain at its mercy. The tornado, for instance, has murdered men, women, cows, children, various other livestock, etc."

What am I, a fucking tornado expert? You figure it out. You're the goddamn science teacher

One time in middle school, I had a deadline on a science project, and I lazily avoided it

Eventually went with the classic "two soda bottles tornado" thing. My science teacher had never seen it, he was blown away

Still only got a C+ because I didn't explain how it works

@zorotl if you think I'm not gonna watch Denzel go Training Day mode in ancient Rome, you got another thing coming

@zorotl same

I'm done with US politics. Time to get focused on my main concerns

Why is it that so many movies featuring blue-colored people are box office bonanzas?

From Avatar to Aladdin (Genie) to The Smurfs, you can't argue with the results

Brainstorming the perfect election joke. I've still got hours before Georgia results start coming in. Not sweating it

@aud I do NOT endorse this product!

I swear to god, I'm about to sue for royalties on this fucking horse shit

There are Republican campaign operatives in the NYC area whose only job is to try to find unflattering pictures of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

It doesn't work. She's hot. Just call her a commie or some shit and move on

@aud "Snortin' coke is my favorite sport, I get it from my French connection at the port"

I know I've mentioned this before, but Blondie's Rapture is such a perfect song until Debbie Harry goes grandma rap mode

In the home stretch on this US Presidential election, it's important to remember the only way to gain votes is scolding people for having principles

I'm gonna hand out so much tainted Halloween candy this year

All kinds of drugs. Gonna cost me a fortune, but worth it to see these kids walking around like absolute goofballs. Hilarious

cc: @fbi

Going "Chigurh" style at a 7-11 while trying to buy a Slim Jim

ME: [flipping a coin] Call it

GUY AT THE REGISTER: You can just swipe, or scan your card on the thing right there

ME: Is cash better, or...what's easier for you?

Big fan of the show Silicon Valley. Not a fan of TJ Miller--guy seems like a big time scumbag. But he was dead on a decade ago when he said this about Musk

@purple haha yea me neither lol

@purple anyone down for some wordplay???