Oops. I just saw that attached art and started to write some feelings it made me think about it. That ended up a little long, lol.

It helps alleviate some of the stress. I couldn’t possibly remember it all, even with my deep desire to, with my brain capacity. It’s my own little library of Alexandria. An archive of me and that which met with me even if just for a moment. It’s an act of rebellion against the cruelty of both my brain and the universe.

I do know that one day the universe will end. All memories, all people, and all things will be forgotten in equal terms. Much earlier than that, most people are lucky to be remembered more than a lifetime or two apart from their own. But this is my lifetime. For while I’m here, I’ll rebel. I’ll bear every memory I can manage. I will continue to give each meaning. I will hold them close. I won’t lose sight of myself. I know I’ve already lost ground on all of those goals, but if I can just stay my ground… if I can just keep that which has brought me joy, that which I have loved, that which has brought me misery, that which has touched my soul… then it was worth it.

Right…?

I have an intense fear of forgetting. Years and years of mental illness and anguish has shot my memory. I’m very attached to all that which meant something to me at any point in time. If someone meant something to me, even if they were just a focus of mine for a week before they left me… that’s a week of my life. We only get so many weeks even in the best case scenario. To be able to touch another’s heart in any capacity is an amazing, beautiful feat. For it to be possible to simply forget them - and not only possible, but likely… it’s horrible. It paralyzes me. It feels like then it never happened at all.

I always feel as if I am the one who has to bear the memory. Everyone else is fine with forgetting and brushing aside things, especially if that thing is me. But I don’t want to forget. It happened. It made me feel something. Even if it is the nature of the universe for it to disappear in the ether, I want to hold it close. I want to remember. I don’t want it to be like it never happened at all. Forgetting is like a death. A happiness in a memory and a memory forgotten is a happiness eliminated from yourself and from the cosmos. A once-pivotal event forgotten is a part of yourself lost, a lesson unlesrnt. A friendship forgotten is a destruction of the beauty of human connection, leaving only the lingering pain. How could one possibly accept forgetting, and thusly accept losing themselves? We’re made up of so, so much that has happened in our lives. So many are unbothered to dismiss something that was once meaningful as fleeting, refusing to recognize the importance and staying power of the fleeting.

It pains me that I know I’ve forgotten. I’ve remembered what I’ve realized I’d forgotten before. I can remember where some details were, but not what they were. Just an oddly empty spot. Many years, plot threads (for the lack of a better term), connections, eras, and events are hazy. Blurry. Disconnected. It’s my mind trying to protect itself and while it may be a necessary measure it leaves me in fear of what’s next. Who that is important to me now will no longer exist tomorrow?

This all nearly single-handedly charges my journaling habit. I do typical diary entries every once in a while, capturing a snapshot of my feelings and thoughts but I also go beyond that. I only started those entries 2020 and I often don’t keep up with them. There’s so much from before and in-between. That’s why I have a wiki-like structure to some of my journal. I have pages about people with tidbits to refresh me. Images of the pfp I best recognize them by. I have pages about events and fixtures in my life that I attempt to detail as much as possibles.

I’ve occasionally seen people on fedi with PGP (or GPG? Idk lol) keys in their bio or a link to a site that shows stuff about an encryption key like that to prove they’re who they say they are. How does that work? Can’t yaknow, just anyone put the same string of text in their bio?

@[email protected] Mandatory top surgery for all boob havers

There's a post I deleted that's still up on my Bluesky bridge... concerning.

@[email protected] okay then glad to hear it :3

@[email protected] traitor...

@[email protected] Small boobs.